It has been just over two weeks since we started strong social distancing measures in Denver. The restaurants shut-down the first week and by the second week, we were advised to limit our grocery runs to once a week, using extreme caution. Going to the grocery store is like playing a game of “don’t step on the cracks,” as we try to maintain that six feet of personal space. Today, we needed to go to the bank and the lobby was locked. We had to do our banking via a video chat and pneumatic tube. The pneumatic tube was surprisingly delightful and seemed old-fashioned.

We stay inside, except for our daily walks around the neighborhood. We wave to neighbors who maintain their distance and gripe about those who are still gathering in groups. It’s frustrating to see the lack of awareness or concern. I get pissed-off. But on the positive, I get to enjoy our beautiful, new neighborhood with my husband. I get to hold his hand, breath fresh air, and get exercise. Yesterday, we saw horses in a field and the sunsets are stunning. This is our new neighborhood and it is gorgeous.

Generally, I’m an upbeat, overly optimistic person. Truthfully, it’s probably pretty annoying to many, but it is my way of coping with difficult times. I’ve been trying to stay in my happy bubble amid the pandemic. I’ve been reading a lot, watching movies, reaching out to family/friends, cooking, going on long walks, cuddling my cats, cuddling my husband, et… I’ve been trying to hold it together.

I’ve been an ESL tutor on a website called Cambly for over a year and a half. I tutor people from around the world and the weird thing is how everyone is in a similar situation. My students come from Taiwan, Bahrain, Brazil, Denmark, Turkey, Japan, South Korea, Guatemala, Russia, Singapore, India, China…so many places and mostly, we are all stuck at home, our grocery stores are low on supplies, and we are scared.

Coronavirus is the hot topic on Cambly. Students in Asia want to know why we don’t all wear masks? People wonder about Trump. Most really wonder what the hell is going on the United States, many not believing the dire situation that our health care workers face. It seems for as bad as it might be in their own countries, they cannot imagine a reality where it can be bad in America. It makes me feel helpless and I lack answers.

Last week, a student in Taiwan took me on a tour of a night market. It was thriving. This made me hopeful and wistful. It sounds silly, since less than a month ago, we were out shopping and eating in restaurants, but that time feels very much in the past. My heart hurt to see the night market, because I miss being in a crowded city. I’m a city girl to the core. Again, it has only been two weeks, but I already feel mournful for what has changed and for how long this might continue.

Dan and I are very fortunate to have stable jobs and the ability to work from home. If anything, we are busier than normal due to the virus. Our housing situation is also very stable. We are very blessed. Although, so far, I do not know anyone who has contracted Covid 19 (as far as I’m aware), I do know many people who have been hit financially, some in a desperate way. Many lay-offs and furloughs. Businesses shuttered, hopefully a temporary situation. Even though our situation is okay, the collective stress is weighing on me. It’s hard to go on social media and see the impact on people I know.

Mostly, I’ve been okay, staying in my little bubble, but a few times I’ve had extreme anxiety. The first time it hit me was just before we began social distancing. The stock market had tanked (along with everyone else, we lost a ton of money) and the reality that this was getting bad finally sunk-in. It was the last time we were able to visit our local gym and we went around 7pm on a Thursday, when it is usually crowded. Dan nearly hit a coyote on the drive there, slammed on the brakes and jangled my nerves. When we walked into Snap Fitness, we were completely alone. I started crying and couldn’t stop. All of the televisions had different news stations, my eyes bounced between CNN and Fox as I rode the stationary bike. Normally, we would be thrilled to have an empty gym, but on this night it was creepy. We left early.

I felt the same emotions that I felt when I learned that my mom had terminal cancer. The same pressure on my chest and a wave of feeling physically weak passed through my body. It’s hard to explain, but it was a very specific physical sensation that I’ve only had on a few occasions.

We went to Safeway after and there were only a couple people shopping. The store was fully stocked and the other shoppers were piling up their carts. One person had a cart full of bottled water. Did we need to get bottled water? We didn’t, but it made us question our preparedness. We felt panicked and although we certainly didn’t hoard, we did buy some funny, “just in case” shelf-stable items that we normally would never have touched. The panic is contagious. We went to the store a few days later and the shelves were bare.

Shopping hasn’t been all terrible. We are eating well and we have plenty of everything we need or want. My mom always taught me to keep extra toilet paper/cleaning supplies/et…so it was normal that we had a small surplus. I was most worried about getting fresh fruits and veggies, but those are plentiful. We have a milk delivery service, which is running as normal. The main thing that is different is the anxiety of going to the store. We go once a week, we plan ahead, and we are nervous of other people. There are many heroes in our society right now, of course medical professionals, but also people who work to keep our groceries stores open, including farmers and truckers. I’m so grateful. We have one elderly lady who is a checker at our store. I worry for her.

I think we are also really fortunate to live on the outskirts of town, which also means that our grocery store isn’t slammed. We’ve never had to wait in a line to enter or truly worry about access to food. Many restaurants are offering delivery. Neighbors are quick to offer help. Things are mostly okay so far.

I’ve had strange dreams and restless sleep. Prior to the virus, I would occasionally get “bug dreams.” Dreams, where I would wake-up in the middle of the night, certain that there was a spider in the bed or even that someone was in the room. In the last week, I’ve had two with a different tone. In one dream, I had to wipe down our bed because of the virus and when I woke up, the bed was full of Kleenex and the tissue box was on my nightstand. I vaguely remember walking into the bathroom and going through the motions, half aware that it was a dream and half certain that it was real.

Two nights ago, we watched the movie Vivarium. Normally movies don’t affect me, but this one absolutely got to me. It’s not even a great movie. Imogen Poots and Jesse Eisenberg play a couple who get trapped in a supernatural model home community and must raise a very creepy baby. That night, I had a dream that I was being tied-up with some supernatural, laser rope and being tortured. I was half asleep and woke Dan up to tell him that someone was in the house and that I was being tied-up by a “supernatural rope.” Imagine your wife saying that- I freaked him out!

No more creepy movies. My imagination is too wild right now.

John Oliver and Stephen Colbert have been making us laugh. I appreciate that they are back, even if it is a little awkward without the audience. They are owning the awkward and just moving forward.

I’m nervous to see what the next few weeks will hold, but if I directly look at my life at this moment, I have more than I need. We are healthy and together. Our family and friends around the world are currently healthy. I’m trying to stay optimistic that social distancing will start to show a positive impact. I also feel optimistic that as this is a problem affecting the whole world, that the best minds from every country, scientists and doctors, are all working to find treatments, hopefully a cure. I’m optimistic that the economy will recover, but not without altering many lives and causing trauma first.

I’ll end with a recent picture from an afternoon walk around our neighborhood. Colorado has amazing clouds!